She walked into my life...

It was late, past midnight. I slid in between the cool comfortable sheets of my king size bed. My wife was already there and had been since 9:00pm, as is her habit. She lay there sleeping, peacefully, breathing gently, in a blissful state of repose.  Looking at her in the dimly lit bedroom I remembered the very first time I saw her.

It was the summer of 1972. I was working at McDonalds and had been for a while. I happened to be in the back of the restaurant along with a couple of other employees, where the big stainless steel sinks were, washing up some things. There was a knock at the back door. Bruce, who was closest to the door, stepped over to open it. A brief conversation took place, I heard something about applying for a job, then the word “interview”.  The door swung wide open and Bruce directed this person down the stairs where Les, the manager, was. In stepped a girl, and boy oh boy what a girl! She hurried across the short distance between the door and the stairs, a distance of about 3 strides, then disappeared into the basement. Bruce turned to look at me. He had a huge smile of approval. “She’s applying for a job!” he exclaimed. “Les better hire her,” he said hopefully. It was impossible to disagree. Who would want to ?

As fortune would have it, she was hired. There were after work social activities and group get-togethers that gave us opportunities to get to know one another a little bit outside of work, but summer was rapidly drawing to a close. Hundreds of miles of training each week and bicycle races to enter on the weekends kept me very busy. School would soon start, and with that, less free time and academic demands. I did eventually get up the nerve to ask her out, but she turned me down saying that she already had plans, maybe some other time. I was crushed, but I took her word for it and after a handful of weeks had passed I asked again. This time, I asked her to the NoDak car races. I loved the car races, and had spent time as a mechanic in the pits for my good friend Steve who built a stock car that he raced. In fact, I had spent an occasional evening helping him put the car together early one spring. This time she simply she said, “No thank you”, without offering any explanation.  Now I was in a quandary. I had a ‘policy’ of asking someone out three times, if I was really interested, and I was really interested. This meant I only had one ‘ask’ left. I didn’t want to waste it, and I thought perhaps I should wait for the right moment. I was determined to use patience, in this particular instance, as a trusty ally.  After all, I’d see her at work frequently so it wasn’t as if there was no interaction between us. In the meantime, there was school, work in the evenings, and training for cross country ski races. Sure enough, the right moment came that next March when one of her friends suggested to me that I should ask her again. This time I asked her to the movie, “The Thief Who Came to Dinner”, which was playing at the Empire theater, downtown Minot.  She said, “Yes”! She said “Yes”! I couldn’t wait.

Who on earth, could possibly imagine that the simple act of one human being taking three steps, from a doorway to a stairs that led to a basement, could change lives forever? Three steps, in plain view I might add, and what a view it was! Three little steps, in the right place, at the right time, observed by the right person, which eventually altered the time-space continuum, and changed the course of history;  my history, her history, and the history of our two families. And here she was this evening, right beside me, just like she has been everyday since Saturday July 24, 1976 when we were married.

We leave for Mayo Wednesday for procedure #3 on Friday following a scan on Thursday. Decisions will need to be made later, based on the findings of yet another scan taken sometime in April after I’ve healed from this RF ablation technique. It will be a time of questions, analysis, and decisions. Even now though, my mind is constantly filled with questions; Will this technique work? How well? What if it doesn’t? If it works only partially, what will that mean? Will I have another RF ablation procedure, or will I need to have surgery? If I have surgery, how much will that hurt, and how intense will the complications be, because I understand that there will more than likely be complications? I know the survival stats regarding renal metastases on the pancreas, and I can expect a plausible chance of survival between 2 and 5 years, from a range of between 1 and 10 years, with the odds diminishing as each year passes,. After 5 years the odds plummet.  However, and this is a big however, there is no research on life expectancy regarding RF ablation for renal mets on the pancreas. There isn’t enough data out there to signal any trends as the technique is too new. If this is successful I may live another 20+ years. Then again, the numbers are meaningless if one believes that God is in control. And I do. If this cancer does take over, if this cancer does overwhelm my pancreas, I have a whole other set of questions;  Will that be painful? I know pancreatitis is. Since my pancreas provides digestive enzymes will I slowly waste away if the disease gains a foot hold, due to a my body's inability to extract energy and nutrition from the food I eat? How long will this go on? In the US each year there are 63,390 new cases of kidney cancer, and 14,400 deaths. I can be counted in the former statistic right now. Will there come a time when I’m counted in the later? What makes the difference between those who survive and those who don’t? Why would God choose to take some and not others in spite of the fact that both those who live and those who perish pray, or count Christ as their Savior? There are always questions. In the end, God knows, and it’s probably a good thing we don’t. When He ultimately calls me home, I’ll be healed permanently and that’s reassuring enough. 

At this moment It’s clear that Deb, in her restful state of bliss, doesn’t have these questions. We have talked about it though. She feels as though everything will turn out just fine, and that I’ll be around for many more years. She’s quite confident about that. This confidence isn’t the result of denial, nor is it said in a tone of encouragement and positivity, and there would be nothing wrong with that. Rather, she says it matter of factly in the same way you tell someone the weather forecast after checking it on your smartphone, except in this case my future isn’t reportable from any knowable physical source. Deb has an intuitive sense about her that can’t be explained by logical processes. I’m sure some of you can relate to this phenomena by personal experience. Sunday however when we were having lunch at a local restaurant, we were talking about our upcoming Mayo appointment. Deb turned to me and said, “ I don’t think I could go out to eat all by myself.” Hopefully, this isn’t something she’ll have to experience for many more years, if ever. In any case, no matter the outcome, she’ll be by my side through thick or thin.

As I mentioned previously, my third and potentially final, EUS RF Ablation procedure takes place on Friday at Mayo. I’ll let you know how things go after we return home. We appreciate your prayers.

I don’t belong to me. I’m in good hands. I’m in God’s hands.

Love, Mike and Deb Fogarty